Tankgebet

Ich möchte die Gelassenheit
so spür'n wie jener Mann,
der qualmend an der Tanke stand,
und im Lotto dann gewann
als entgegen uns'rer aller Ahnung
uns kein Feuerball dann in den Arm sprung
und der Sonntag dann begann.
(17/04/2024)

Frühjährliche Reife

Wenn im Osternest das Abitur,
Stichwort Mottowoche sag ich nur,
der Prof nochmal Vokabeln hetzt
ist der Fehltag festgesetzt.
(17/03/2024)

grün grün grün (epigramm)

Monatag Nachmittag
Grüne erstrahlt
gähnende Münder
Streber, der prahlt.
Stickige Luft und
Karo – très chic!
Biologieunterricht,
was zum fick?
(13/02/2023)

Ein glücklicher Vogel

Und würd‘ mich einer fragen,
ob ich’s tauschen will, zurück
so zeig‘ ich ihm den Vogel
ich glaub‘ ich kenn mein Glück.
(Wilhelmshaven, 04/09/2023)

epigramm 2

Eich-Horn, Horn-Eich
läuft vorbei an schmalem Grad
stoppt und guckt und
stoppt und guckt,
ob hier was zu essen lag.
(2022)

das kleine epigramm

Es trafen zwei Lichter aufeinander.
Sagt das eine Licht zum anderen Licht: „Huch, jetzt siehst du mich“
Und als sie sich verschmelzen
heiraten und vermählen
staunt das andere Licht zum ersten Wicht:
„Tja, jetzt bist du ich“
(12/2021)

Deichgedicht

Hinein ins blaue Wunder
zu Fischen, Aal und Kies
und sträubt sich seine Krone,
als er mich ziehen ließ.
(Wilhelmshaven, 04/09/2023)

Sägmaschine

Ritsche Ratsche,
Ritsche Ratsche,
Sägen tut er tagelang.
Hin und her,
Vor und Zurück,
Bald ist er fertig,
Irgendwann.
(2022)

Deutschunterrichtsepigramm

Donnerstagmorgen,
sieben Uhr früh
meine Augen sind offen,
aber mit Müh!
Der Prof redet lang
dürre und schwer
ach wie weit ist das
Frühstück eigentlich her?
(2022)

i want to be trans enough

enough of me
i want a beard and
i want tits and for the start
i want a name fitting right
snuggling tight
into my heart
(that cave, estranged from me)

i want to call myself a stupid name and
have my friends not bat an eye
i want to live
be without shame
trans enough
(05/07/2022)

Zigarettendampf

Grün-Rot; Rot-Grün,
meine Schwäche wird vergeh'n
Werd ich über Dächer steigen
doch am Balkongrund verweilen
werd ich seh'n wie Rauchgeschwaden
aus meinem Mund gen Himmel zieh'n.
(29/04/2022)

Snippet 1

(2023)

Blau in Blau in Blau in Blau

Die Vorhänge sind Blau
Blau Blau

Mitternacht und Dämmerung

Hält... Es ist schon dunkel, wann ist es dunkel geworden, wann verschwamm mein Schatten mit der Stille dieses Raumes.

Hält mein... Blau? Hält es, wird es wieder heller werden?
Hält mein dunkelblauer Vorhang mich am Leben, oder...

Engelblau und Schlümpfeeis

Was ist meine Gleichgültigkeit gegenüber der fortlaufenden Ignoranz des Schicksals?

Die Vorhänge sind blau.
Sie starren mich an.
(29/04/2022)

(i love her)

i love her and i love her and i love her,

more than in the past
though i think, it’s a new start.
for i will die – by her sword
through this fight
i think i might
stare inside
her soul and eyes
i think i see
what she will be

i love her and i love her and i love her with my heart – it rings:

full of things
i’ll never bring
back to life
and if i strive
to tell me wrong
then i’ll be gone
within the night.

i love her and i love her and
i love her and i love her and

her heart burns bright
acidic right
through my insides
shines a light
blood red dripping wet
through the hole
it left behind

i love her and i love her and
i love her and i love her
and
in my mind
my shining knight
comes and saves me
just right now,
takes the blow
of this new sight

and ends the fight.
(2022)

How To: Civic Amputation

Translation

Herbstlied

Es liegt der frühe Abendrauch
zwischen sanftrauem See und glasklarem Dach,

Ich träume von denen, die sitzen,
in warme Decken gehüllt, an dem Kamin, dessen Rauch
mir in der Nase zieht

Und den Wasservögeln,
dicht in den Daunen,
die weit weg schnattern
oder am Ufer
bereits schlafen.

Ich blicke hinauf:
Dunkelblau.
(26/03/2022)

at the office

condensating anxious breaths
on sticky glasses trapping cats
as the ink dries on fountain pens
the state reaches its tar stained hands
far into my bronchia
takes a hold, my cries afar

shaking, rattling, making space
for hemorrhage and nothing else
then releasing
fading pressure
oxygen, a sweet relief
my lungs now singed by
gaping wide cavities

why are you empty, deep inside?
asks the state
grabs the pen
with all its might
stabbing motion
eyes of fight

i don't know,
i say.

name?
no.
sex?
yes.
date of birth?
whatever fits.

oh look up, now!
says the lady at the office
we already gave you the right
yeah, sure
i say
there grows a sapling deep inside
(5/2023; first published in The Art Of Transformation)

November

Dichter Nebel, früh schon dunkel, kalter Wind sticht raue Haut.
Grauer Nebel, Regentage, Heizung, Decken, Rauchen spielen kleine Kinder.
Nasse Füße, Tau gibt’s oft. Manchmal Frost, teilweise warm.

Raben hüten diese Brücke, Spechtgeklopfe nebenan.
Einer hier und einer drüben.
Kommt Chiron gleich hier hochgefahr’n?

November.
Dezember…

Januar, vielleicht, wenn der Herbst bis dann vorüber ist.

Brauner Boden, laubbedeckt. Matschepampe vor der Tür.
Gänse reisen, wir doch auch, warum soll’s dies Jahr anders sein?
(12/2022)

Snippet 2

Druckgebet

Ein Fußnötlein
werd‘ ich bald sein
vergessen und vergoren
zum Sterben auserkoren

Drum bring mich um
mein Tageslicht
geleite mich
in Tiefen – unerreichbar
auf dass mein Leben schön war

Und wenn du mich dann abdruckst
kalt und nass und perfide und schnell
dann bedecke mir mein Federkleid
und schaufle tief
und lese bald.
(26/03/2023)

tiny greens

your're not supposed to grow there, bud
you're killing it and all you must
is vanish, die, explode and go
and if you do so,
light will bow

and freckle all the edges round
destroy what has not stayed ground-bound
it will be so, you must not fear
but all you must is vanish here.
(09/10/2022)

A Sixgill's Lovebite

a shark bites into a carcass
the way i desperately hide my body
stick needles & throw pills
close my eyes on instinct
when ripping out a part of myself
devouring. hungry & willing.
they don't have a name for me
so i start carving one out of my flesh
reconstruction of one's own body
nature, reinvented.
(5/2023; first published in The Art Of Transformation. Also, look out for this one in the Comics section!)

the sleepy poem

by god,
am i tired
lids are
drooping closed

i lean
more than heavily
to the
window more than most

my mind is
finding solace
my lids are drooping closed

my body sways beyond me
smile is soft at most
(16/09/2022)

judith says things right

it did not start like this,
you know?
it did not start with blood
dripping from my forehead —
with my hands
covered in it too
it did not start with me staining my lips
with the red wine of your sins
believing it‘ll make me holy

because i am not a bad person per se
i mean, i guess, cause that‘s what my
mother says
and while
i don‘t know whom to trust
at least let me lust;
just this once —
it did not start like this.

because battered and bruised i can tell you that
it started with james

you see, james says: every good friendship starts and ends in beating each other up
sundays for us
and james says: every great friendship withstands an affair — any kind
which is why we will go blind together.
and because james says: leaden tongues glitter silver too
i have to think about all the times he was right in the wrong way.
about how my fingernails are collecting the soil of the places
in which we died
over and over and over again,
the circle of life does not stop
for me or for you and certainly not
for the letter j.

so i have to say this right:
i promise you, it did not start like this
(14/10/2022)

Übermorgen wird Vorgestern gewesen sein

The background noise of life

on love 2

Will you touch me
skin so soft
like smoothened cream
so used to love

Black stains of coal
fruit sugar sticking still
ink droplets yet to vanish
my fingertips tell libraries of topographies

You love me like
a bird’s song, and
I’ll keep you
in my heart forever.
(2022)

september storms

the first love that i fostered
carried me for years

say i fell in love on halloween
her eyes resting on my shoulder

i’d like to say that my love was like
the first midnight storm in june
that i used to watch on the balcony

hot and strong, fleeting and electrifying. sudden,
awaiting the ozone aftertaste
like love at this age is supposed to be

it wasn’t, though.
instead, i loved her like september air
strong and suppressive
like lingering warmth seeping from the late afternoon
into the early night

the first love that i fostered
i carried for years with me

sustaining the doubt
of unbelieving youth
i am in love with her!
for i will spend the day licking
sugar-stricken lips
and thinking about the strawberries in her yard.

i saved my love from drowning thrice
the icy water prickling my skin still,
while,
every touch feels like glaring white streaks
punching through pitch-black
yet it’s as warm
as the yellow headlights of our car
illuminating the way home

and even if i fear
i am certain.
for, if i won’t love her soon
i will in another lifetime.
(02/05/2022)

Snippet 3

ikea instructions

Ein Weihnachtsgedicht

Doch ich schreie plötzlich
als ich falle
nach Nord, Süd, West und Ost:
Scheiße, auf der Straße liegt Frost!
(12/2022)

rain-grey

blue-gray, blue-gray, blue-gray, i mutter,
looking up.
it’s hailing,
tiny impacts leave sizzling sensations on my skin.

the weeping trees,
looking like the weather harmed them personally,
creak like my old doors,
or knees,
as my bicycle ratters through the gnarly roof,
their branches build.
(02/02/2022)

Durchzug

Graublau ergoss er sich
Küsst‘ mich gut Nacht
Legte sich zum Schlafen
Unter unser Dach.

Jetzt bläst der kühle Abendwind
Zwischen Blättern drein,
Bekannt und unsichtbar,
dort unten raschelt’s fein.
(03/07/2022)

Snippet 4

Snow in April

The flakes glistered on the freeze fresh asphalt like her hair in June.
And I drove my bicycle so carefully
to school while remembering my friend,

now across the pond,

that told me if it ever were to snow the night before school,
and if it were to lay until dawn,
we would ride a sleigh downhill-downtown,
to were our school layed.

And I remember how happy we looked,
laughing into the future,
And I think of her

As I chase my friends across the schoolyard with the snow in my hands,
I'll make the future last.
(01/04/2022)

On The Very First Day Of Ever (A Snake's Story)

That my body is my mind
that my mind is my right
and that my right is an anchor
but to that there is no end in sight.

I’ve tried saying this with my words
and my body
and my tears
but you simply don’t want to hear
so I have to cake this in the thickest metaphor I could imagine
reddening the numbers printed in your ledger
so listen,
jesus,
don’t you do anything else?

imagine the day is young
and the sky still has flushed cheeks
fresh from the womb
and it's you and your buddy
in this very real world
and imagine on the first day of ever

and a snake comes around
you scream, but there is no one here to impress
so please shut the fuck up
the snake comes around and you notice its venom
and you turn to your buddy and you tell them
and they agree
and you turn around

Wasn’t that easy?
an easy nice young story
for an easy nice young person
in an easy nice young world.

So, Let me rephrase
because it doesn’t end here

So the snake says to you:
what if your perception is lying and
I’m not venomous at all
what if
it's all about perspective
and, well,
your perspective has been your buddy all day long
so what if, what if, i'm not venomous at all
and they are?
so what then?
are they gonna kill you in your sleep?

And you scoff
but your eyes show fear
and your buddy's show terror
and the snake’s eyes show hope
and you turn to your buddy
and you laugh it off
until you kill them in their sleep
out of terror.

And easy like that the snake fucking won.
wasn’t that easy?
wasn’t that easy to comprehend?
well here’s another:

It’s an easy nice young day
and you’re friends with the snake
and everyone says it’s not venomous
and it hasn’t bitten
(yet, says your buddy)
and it has always been nice you
(so far, says your buddy)
and you make a joke about the snake being venomous
and your stomach is light
but your buddy's eyes sting
and the snake’s eyes show disappointment
and
"ah, i'm just kidding"
you say
to lighten the mood
and on the following day, the snake sits atop the dead body of your friend

what happened to them? you say
i wouldn't know, says the snake, for i am not responsible.
and you turn around.

but, hey, here's another:

on the very last day of ever
your buddy,
alive,
asks you to pick a side
excuse me:
begs you on their knees, wailing, to pick a side
and preferably their side
not the snake's
but you chuckle, say:

i couldn't pick a side if i tried
it's all too complicated, right?
no one's ever truly evil -
not that i'm playing the devil's advocate to anything just
to keep my options open

and that's the last time you hear from your buddy.

and wasn't that easy to comprehend?
good, because it ends here
for the sake of brevity

was that easy enough to get?
because it's the shortest i can break this down to
this
this moral conflict
two dimensional motivations
the two sides
of living and dying
fear and terror
not to be a bit dramatic but
who am i kidding?
you get it now, do you?
my fear of seeing the snake
and its friends
and my fear of hearing the jokes
and my fear of
well, you get it, right?
the fear of being in sight.
(5/2023; first published in The Art Of Transformation)